My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen