I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Maths meets science
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair