My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!