Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Order here:
More here:
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Beware of fowl play.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?