Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.