HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You Might Also Like
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed