I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You Might Also Like
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*ernest hemingway voice*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
i hate you platonically
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
thanksgiving in nutshell
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.