[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
You Might Also Like
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.