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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
This is a bad sign
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*