The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.