Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.