A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I put the mess in domestic.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today