date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit