I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
You Might Also Like
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.