Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Yup.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON