tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You Might Also Like
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.