[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
this could fix me
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.