Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets