OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.