My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”