Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …