*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
there has never been a better use of this meme
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.