i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You Might Also Like
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories