Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The future is now.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.