Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.