I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
inside you are two wolves
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain