I have never heard an armadillo before.
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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with