First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.