Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot