Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.