The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
mmm onion ringos
Did I do this right