Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
This is a whole mood;
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.