MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
You Might Also Like
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Home #decor warning.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants