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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Labreador
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”