Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Sign at work today
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.