banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“I FIXED IT!”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife