Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Not helping
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day