Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Great game to play with friends
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.