buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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This is my pinned tweet
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The funk soul brother
My whole life was a lie.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement