My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night