Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Free him
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?