*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet