My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes