Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
The options really are this bad
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Put a ring on it
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes