Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
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Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
what do you want!!!!!!!!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year