Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”