Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
🤣🤣🤣
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need