Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.