I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!