I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.